-filer le parfait amour-

-i lvl up u all-

2009-01-20T23:17:00.001+08:00

feels like whoever i come across,
i mature them,
and let them see a bigger (sometimes harsher) world

then they leave me hanging.

so am i really a giver.

its cold

-go go go on-

2008-10-28T00:33:00.003+08:00

im the energizer bunny. i keep going. yoU testify ok?

You see yourself in the mirror
And you feel safe coz it looks familiar
But you afraid to open up your soul
Coz you don't really know, don't really know
-Gone Going by B.E.P ft Jack Johnson

i admit i sometimes am still like this, but even i am impressed i am still lasting this long
after seeing so many flaws in the system and the people, and the ungrateful stuff i will never say

im still on my own path, i dont carry buckets, i wanna build the pipeline,
and i respect those who laugh at me, and i never look down at those who carry buckets too :)
and after i build it up again, alot of people will have consistent supply of water, while i teach people to build it : :)

coming to the end of the year already.
1 years and 4 months of suffering with me.
baby still can take it?
i still cant take it that i only have the high life with yoU for only such a short period of time,
and having to let yoU bear with me all this more than half a year.
i thank yoU for the strength, and i apologise for the angst.
sometimes on the phone i make yoU frown, make yoU cry
i want to tell yoU im distracted, thats not an excuse, but im improving
and i always want to make it up to yoU.
busy busy aside...things will slowly clear up..
so look forward to December k?

i wanna tell the world, the brain is an interesting matter
it believes everything you tell it, it pieces evidences for you to justify what you think is right.
and repeat repeat repeat
lies can become truth
facts can become twisted
so speak to yourself kindly, even if you dont last, you live happier

i wanna tell the world, my law of attraction
to bring together all like minded people
new friends
old friends
"forever friends" who dont remember me anymore

hey i am still here!

second chances dont appear often in life
i cherish every moment more than before
i cherish everyone more than before
i want to help all of you. talk to me. anything and everything
and if at any moment i seem disinterested
i give you the right to slap me there and then

Deal? (>_<)
tally as of today: 2.5k in 2 deals.
come on! thats not bad already!! (but far from the past i know. im not content)

-of words n voices-

2008-09-18T15:10:00.002+08:00

nvm nvm nvm..
to me its always a nvm
all these nvms add up
cuz its always a test for me..remember?

words fail me whenever i want to put a point across
is it especially hard when it comes to people u are really concerned about
far simpler than those u dont give two hoots about?

voices telling me what to do
external F'cked up people taking my place
im genuinely concerned about your results now
im correcting your overlooked little nitty gritty details
JUST because u say U HAVE NEVER ACHIEVED ANYTHING before
then now?
is it just reading too much into my words
or your comfort zone by him too alluring for u to take a break
or just not up to it already?

if theres nothing to hide, why hide?
why go around the corners?
is this really helping him? as u said u want
is this really helping YOU? as u continue to compromise

遇山平山
遇水断水

就算
千山我独行
今生无悔

-t0rn apArt-

2008-06-11T13:48:00.003+08:00

did i ever tell yoU that im a perfectionist?
im..iaskforitformyselfonly
i cant be anymore
dontthink
im delusional
my ideas so ruthlesly torn apart in my world
mymethodsconfounded
i never even caught the tremors before the quake
the warning signs before the flood
so juvenile
my mistakes
im exacting the things i hate

the hurt
how do i
how will i
know how they feel now?
what i have been building all this while i have been so wrong about
not having good results is one thing
but not knowing the effects of my actions..
didnt they want the results i had?
i asked
guess i listened
but i didnt understand them all

am i still cut out for this
am i still motivated for this turbulence
or am i just sticking my head in it just because i cant turn back
i cant tell
nobody can
i assure u
nobody can find me MY answer now

i thought my tears were dry
somehow this pains me enough to see them again
im afraid to pick up the reins
and start the horses infront of the chariot
towards the finish line
again
i know people are cheering
people are jeering
people are looking
i just have to know what my reasons are again

in the wilderness.
who can pick me up now
who knows who will pass by
that person will just determine whats my next step
and i really want to wait and be fed
i never had that for a long time
cant i?

end of October equals start of November

2007-11-01T17:46:00.000+08:00

yawn
think im going to fall sick again
flurry flurry 2 months since my last entry

yoU are still that adorable
integral part of my life
so what if i cant be around most of the time
so what if yoU can throw yoUr tantrums anytime
without holding back
but snuggle back into me with that sheepish look
im thankful :)

October income 21500 SGD
14GPs to date, 6 re-entries this month
inching closer to my goals
and my Mercedes Benz CLS with the AMG kit and the awesome colour

some (personal) sins are enjoyable
other sins are unpardonable
starting from righting all the wrongs
so what if the papers like to do free publicity for us (whoopie!)
innocence will prevail
jealousy and doubts will be wiped out
but how many people benefits depends on me.
and my guys and gals
plenty more to come
i am taking it as a newbie
re-establishing my network as though im alone
so yoU please pardon all the time i put into Sunshine
sometimes even have to compromise my health
but i really want it

going genting again soon end of November
hope i can hit my targets by then so i can go on a REAL rest trip
shopping..slacking and pampering oUrselves

-long awaaaaayyyyyyy-

2007-09-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

waaaahhh...
dusty blog
cobwebs
neglected...haha

speaking as though my extraordinary loyal audience misses me
oh but i digress
( i want my limelight can..grr)

where do i start..maybe from KL-Malacca (photos soon..if i bother la)
trip up was down with fever. groan..so lousy routine..
but haven been out of country for quite sometime in this half-relax half work mood
poring through the KLCC LV shop, saw this little bag for yoU, a white/silver tie for me
not in the spending mood...but also because of my priorities for this month

put my camera to good use..yay my virgin shoot..in malaysia, the trip, outta the window, Empire 99 takeover/merger dinner.. freedom is the best, not having to succumb to restrictions from a normal digicam.. and the quality...*salivate*
UNOFFICIAL "A" Div Photographer (even though i am still sick)
i split my pants while jumping with the water fountains, took some very nice shots of KLCC..but without me inside. ..because yoU are back in Singapore.. (why why cannot miss yoU ah..)

not able to eat the things i want to eat, eat hor fun out of an ice-bucket with tongs...*weeps*
but able to go around KL walking, seeing Bollywood stars filming, picking bargains and whacking taxi-drivers to give a better price (lol...sickening)

Malacca is an even nua-er place...slow..simple..sleepy..
but i guess its also because we didnt get to see alot
check in, change, saw IP downstairs (same hotel!!) with Yang Libing and Margaret Lee
Tinted SUV,security measures..wahhh
Heaty beach, long wait for VVIP, Minister of Malacca, China's first Female Deputy Minister, UN representatives...my camera going into overdrive.. so proud =>_<=

the feeling of this holiday is so relaxing..so proud to be part of this all, so confident of the future all this can bring, and so many people i have directly impacted because of Sunshine. iam thankful of the ups and downs..

and i am thankful of yoU too
for this period of time i know i took a lot of time out
for my people
for my own progress
for the future and my family now
sometimes yoU will be lonely
unsupported
weakened
but October is here already
a month of rest.
then i will make 2007 a year to remember
remember
the mont blanc necklace and Guess bag and LV wallet?
and my own wishes as well
my CLS 55 AMG
20 GPs
step at a time k?
but its with yoU
i know i will

i know i will
because i have all of you
in this new life i have embarked on
circa 2007
it will never be the same again
bright and not grey
because i have possibiliies and targets
i have Sunshine
not unclear skies and day by day, aimless
or "enough to spend and save " days
>_<

-i wont hate-

2007-07-18T14:19:00.000+08:00

its been a while
since i could squeeze out this pocket of time
its raining
gloomy skies

and my head is spinning
this stupid fever
argh

looking back the time i was (not) around
thinking of the possible separation(s)
Genting..Nepal..New York
its very possible
and at the same time i have to
because of the fact the market out there is huge
untapped
so
yoU
i know yoU know its a "have to"
but its good
for the future

clearing out the excess baggage in the thresholds of my mind
i know
what i do
is right
is good
is what i should do
and im glad
so many people benefitted because of me

but U?
im a cheater?
dont need help?
please
think of Ur situation
dont be sily or stubborn any more
work all U want
but what happens in the end
can he support U?
and Ur family
is he doing everything for this possiblity
or just that the 2 of U want to be plain ignorant
and for how long?

and so if U claim im a cheater not worth to be Ur friend
reject the help
then why ask me for money to shop?
he cant provide?
or U just want to use my "dirty money" i cheated people for

Ur not dumb
just needs a little wake up call
years down the road
i hope U have the best
not that i didnt offer to help

18 july 2007
income this month up till today: 8000 SGD

-rendezvous @ changi-

2007-06-26T13:14:00.000+08:00

its a fine 4 days isnt it?

not just fine..i know..but waking up everyday by yoUr side
what more can i wish for?

that its just too short
but it doesnt mean we cant do it again..right;)

jiayou wor..exam days times 3..
then its off to yoUr shopping trip *grins*

and time for me to fire up the engines again..
i got promises to keep
sweet

all the
watersmilesTVbedair-conworksoundspeoplesightsemotionsfoodsmellsnoisethoughtsthings

clearly in my mind

-very loooong -

2007-06-19T00:33:00.000+08:00

few and far between
the good stuff
aplenty emotions now
its been
days
weeks
and im struggling to find time for real rest.
actually
i been pretty slack
doing nothing
i admit

haiz..

pretty hot May
turns out to be a cold start to June
how can it be
when its supposed to be a rising tide?
am i really distracted?

i guess..for now..its worthwhile
15th June 2007
thanks for the 1 month ,,yoU
plenty more to look forward and push for..with yoU
i can only say..sorry that sometimes i cannot say out the words i really want to
the things i really want to do
cause i have plans
surprises
sometimes it just doesnt fit into the mood of things
but i know
all this
will bring a smile to yoUr face when it comes..alright??

Laa Laa and La La La 's story

-oouuuiiieeee-

2007-05-25T01:00:00.001+08:00

when i took this path i know it will be hard
for my heart

now i just hope it doesnt tear anyone apart
even more so if it will affect yoU

it sounds weak but.. we can only tide through this now
cause
i wll not give up
so.. have to bear with me

alright?
i'll miss ya.. 3 days...

tough things only make me tougher
just like a diamond is a well-buffed carbon

Lions Rally @ EXPO 12/13 May

2007-05-17T14:17:00.000+08:00

RARrrr! we rock..now to wait for my turn. no way am I going to miss it the 3rd time round..

Ben doing the honours for Von!

Business Development Manager!

Steven doing the honours for Kent

Business Development Manager

Recognition dinner: 200 delegates from 6 countries... 杨培安on stage

mummy and me acting silly on the first day while waiting

-wee wee wellow wellow-

2007-05-16T16:27:00.000+08:00

ex-squeeze mee coz i am tawkin gibberwish
coz i doo beelieve dat i have nort been mai-self these feew days
mainlee becoz orf mai indulgence in a niu drug hweeitch is nort publicly availaber and dat iz exclusif forr mee.

and i am thankfoo for diss discovery

yoU

and all will make this May and June a sweet memory for everyone else
feel it?

为自己的高兴制度而奋斗

2007-05-16T02:08:00.000+08:00

today we sinned
havent we?

oops

?teews ti saw tub

2007-05-15T13:32:00.000+08:00

spot the glaring 'chinglish' ?

cute little mochi-s ... cold cold...

-020507-

2007-05-03T01:38:00.000+08:00

tight
fulfilled

heard about kq from her bro
apparently too brain-washed by Enyouth already
so much troubles
so much 'shame' brought to her family
whats the point of all this bugging pestering for sales?
isnt that the reason why people detest such campaigns?
and when people really want to help them for the better?

taken my path
theres yoU =D
and today
i made U angry
harsh
im bad
but yoU say 'not really'
'shouldnt have hatred'
'can still be friends'
*infectious laughter*

i didnt hate
i smile
i know the truth

-plenty more days like this-

-spotted-

2007-05-02T01:25:00.000+08:00

oops..
a bit bad?
spotted?

hope all is fine
looking forward

but stepping up what i should do..
please
no more holdbacks

-splurge-

2007-04-30T01:52:00.000+08:00

26th april
Thompson London cufflinks +
Goldlion cufflinks= $272.20
Armani Exchange woven bias cut placket shirt (white)=$199
POLO Double Black fragrance=$88

one day splurge spree
guilty
dont ever want this feeling again

here comes MAY
income explosion beckons
asset rich, cash richer!

-still..but still...-

2007-04-29T01:22:00.001+08:00

so close to throwing the ring
*stop*
today is Ur birthday
i didnt say anything

burning
a new direction unfolds
bated breath
once confirm
i wil run again

-and....yoU-

2007-04-25T11:04:00.000+08:00

*trink* cute things come in small packages
why is it a monkey at the back? hmm hinting?

*soooooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuutttte*
*melts*

thanks for being there at the last hours of my day

you drink 'more more warm water' too

-happy 21st birthday to me-

2007-04-24T06:35:00.000+08:00

good stuff wor..thx to 老大 Von *muackz* mummy and uplines sidelines downlines

mummy going to 教坏我

my first mont blanc :D

SUPER-DUPER light titanium SEIKO timepiece

scary..lighter than Ben's ring...

THANKS TO ALL AT THE CHALET

including allan howard calvin steven kent daniel ben ts emma jun kuang

(and my jie mei-s who are on the way into m'sia.. haha and everyone who knew my birthday and chipped in their signatures and sms on the day itself)

feel...reborn.. plenty more to come

-post PSC-

2007-04-23T11:26:00.000+08:00

awakening
letting Sunshine reach everywhere where the light and warmth touches

Breaking and entering a new dawn
breathing again
nothing can force its way into my mind
PSC
indeed a life-changing course
everyone should go
but not everyone can go through it

yes i did think of giving up
its so easy to
but i m stubborn
but stubborness is only limited
the encouragement
the meaning of the journey
the people who matters to me
the distractions i should not have
stir me on

this is my oath
to not deviate from my path
to do my best
and fulfill my obligations
no more excuses
no giving up
and burn 101%
because we never know our limits
until we are pushed to discover it
and we only live ONCE
and not everyone can wait...

i will dump what is holding me back
people i shouldnt spend time on
things i shouldnt linger around
thoughts that dont stand to push me forward

instead

for the people whom i want to propel higher
people i should care about and support
people i have promised
people who have trusted me
people who have been fighting along with me
and
people who cant wait anymore

i got no voice today
but its this inner voice
and flames
that i know
i will keep and remember
and ignite it once again
'cause
you all have never left me
i will not allow it
and i will never ever let my flame die

and yOu
i got a new meaning in this path too
lets bide the time..shall we?

-ah have a confession to make-

2007-04-15T01:36:00.000+08:00

made a lil confession today
the outcome doesnt matter right?

-pending...-

2007-04-11T19:21:00.000+08:00

all i wanna do is find a way back into love?

that sounds so untypical of me saying that..but the sounds of it keeps ringing inside me

im more interested in paving for a future which i may or may not spend alone.. so i dont see myself stopping
Quen asked me something today: will i be handling my business when i continue my studies, even when push comes to shove; and i answered: are you concerned about grades or future?
I will gladly give it my all, even though i know this can easily fall flat in my face. but its the desire and the opportunity that i know if i dont grasp it and utilise it i will regret.

and i am still so misunderstood. so maligned. and so...misread and misled.
time to stop miss-ing

proud of my burning artwork this week. will take the chance to put it on for all to appreciate ;)

hungryhungryhungry

-crap week-

2007-04-08T01:13:00.000+08:00

monday was jiajia birthday..they celebrate at new office but i didnt go.
stupidly have to go back camp to take MC for my feet injury/infection/whateveryoucallit..

tuesday at camp chalet..tanah merah. out of place. quite nice. swim. jacuzzi. sauna! maxed out exfoliation! (i think) then after that realised..its crap and faux camaraderie.. and i am supposed to look "just MC-ed" afterwards..

wednesday. nua.. take injection for flu vaccine..nua.. sleep.. go office take appts..

thursday. nothing special. play water polo. violently. with some girls inside too. nobody likes to lose. blah blah..just get me out of camp for this short week..

friday. meet jiajia at her house area. my old house area. same what.. she not feeling well..still have to chiong homework and juggle stuff..and her lao po birthday present.. dots .. at night. ate fish and co. and realised when i left jiajia also just finished.. dots how come didnt see at all..

likesupermonotonous..withalltheworktobedone..andnot really my own time to plan right? i hate earning so little. i hate the no support feeling. i know i cannot ask for anything beyond...

but i guess my segment on sat noon was ok? mummy also said so. Von also.. my mother and uncle too.. i guess i was a little shaky still and some words still blurted out awkward.. today is tiffany birthday..no wonder jiajia went office. mummy went home so early sleep.. i think minz went jolin concert...is it?

long wait... but pining on the many 'maybes' i can achieve after that...

-moi muziq and lyriks-

2007-04-02T16:29:00.000+08:00

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in a past I just cant seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again some day
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All i wanna do is find a way back into love...
I can make it through without a way back into love
Ohh....

I've been watching where the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All i wanna do is find a way back into love...
I can make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping You'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when i dunno if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation...

All I wanna do is find a way back into love...
I can make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to You
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if You help Me to start again
You know that I'll be there for You in the end...

typed out the lyrics after memorising the entire song...( i just dont want to download it off the net...)
speaks volumes just the way it is...its as if they plucked this song right out of me.. enjoy..

-music and lyrics-

2007-04-01T04:29:00.001+08:00

late late show
tired
how to help company move to new premises?

it doesnt help to be too practical and pragmatic
while also taking too much note on how pergect certain ideals are carried out

as long as its from the heart
and its true

oops sorry to jiajia because we didnt go eat chee cheong fun in the end
but i wont break the promise!

going to miss the old office
and little bit of Lau Pa Sat and Happy Valley
Managers' Corner and training rooms
new era has begun

mummy today close deal! big big!
i also have new line! whoopie!

whole day of running-worth it.
but now..drained.. sleeping.. 429am

- down-ed - but dont say i not trying to get back up

2007-03-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

I HAVE NO AMBITION
I HAVE NO DESIRE
I CANT FEEL A PASSION TO DO SOMETHING BIG
I NEVER VISUALISED BEING A REAL LEADER

REALLY? REALLY MEH? REALLY GOT MEH? HOW CUM I DUNO LEH?

restart engine..rrrr
i accept it all as a means to improve
its ok

29th March
heard something
long conversation through sms
knew alot
perhaps too much
let to overclouding of my brain
couldnt sleep
(in fact i dreamt alot of the wrong things)

and the biggest pain was
my feelings are always misplaced
to the very (coincidental) people who will leave me feeling so much alone (times a million exponentially)
so bear with me
while i bare all
its not so nice to even write it all here
but i know

why i swear to keep myself to myself (and someone else)
why the feeling is still...there
i shall keep it
while maintaining my principles
and my directions
because i am still faaaaarrrrr..

and i cried in the cab today
i chose to cab
because i cannot see myself standing in the train
and uncontrollable
i felt lonely
very
lonely

-ending soon-

2007-03-25T15:03:00.000+08:00

coming week finally can close my own appointment..
but got to go for a wake..so untimely.. hmm *skip*

erm.. a little about the surroundings..
friends like distancing
trying to understand?

ahh and U..
make me wait into the night
cause
u said u will call me later
i know u will forget
go and sleep
but i still wait..
even when i turn off the sound.. no calls

windy night
falling leaves and twigs
so nice-y
but alone
ya i know..that sucks

productivity max-ed
i feel im on fire now
what can stop me?
hee.. im not content yet
U may scold me
but i have not achieved what i really want yet
and thats beyond money

earrings..haiz..why...

learn from Jiajia --- *cHing!*
back to camp soon..groan

-leave. it all. here-

2007-03-23T15:34:00.000+08:00

ahh..messy
all the extra time i have now
baaadly managed..
still tired everyday
BOO

really sad about the earrings.
i dont know what happened too.
its too embarrasing
but i would never short change U
i would never save on U
silly
so just let me see
and we go shop for it ..
its my fault

observation this week:
there are funny people around
who just mindlessly follow through on the things
they already know will not benefit them in the long run
or that they do not see it as just "lazy" to change for a positive setting?
or mindless optimism towards a better change
even when nothing is happening..
sometimes..knowing the future,even the possibilities,are scary..

so hope minz knows what is really going through her mind
and U too know what U really want
and i know what i really want to do and my priorities

stable
afford-able
empowered
dedicated

at least i know i haven strayed from my believes
or changed myself because of circumstances
that would have been the traits of a weakling

加油

always.be.here.with.u

2007-03-17T11:16:00.000+08:00

2007-03-17T00:02:00.000+08:00

i only know that no matter how things turn out in the end
or how hurting the things u say to me...

i will persevere on

cause i know

i am doing the right thing

for myself

and hopefully u will see it too

optimistic (to a certain extent)

-baackkk..and fired up-

2007-03-14T21:03:00.000+08:00

the exercise is over..
preparation for the end
i am all but ready
to pursue what i want
all
the
way

with u in hand.
i hope.

when u were at office
"she very pretty meh"
"quite cute la"
"whos she ah?"

i just brushed aside
because today my intention
is to help u pave ur future
and not having to work in an environment hazardous to ur brittle health

maybe in the end i will be thanked and rewarded
but i prefer to see it myself
and feel what i want
without others saying or showing it
but let the reality be my answer

isnt that so much better?

and i dare to dream all over again
this is stuff worthy of my pursuit
all over again
even the slightest possibility

-heard:agreed-

2007-03-11T13:12:00.000+08:00

why do people of different gender always compare superiority or abilities
dont they understand that equality of sexes is impossible?!

because men and women are supposed to complement each other

-the whirlwind of 10 march-

2007-03-11T13:02:00.000+08:00

meeting u
in green + denim skirt again (not that its boring...dont get me wrong)
i can never be later than u..
can see u are quite tired..why? missing him..too much?

shopping
bubble tea
u looking at girls
shoes (bought one pair for u at Far East..where's my slippers.. >_<)
tops
dinner at suki sushi (yucks..remind me next time not to eat there again)

i dont plan to be very rich and keep making money u know?
i just want to have a career and not having to worry in the future
and i want it partly
because my core reason is U
thats as much from the start
i want to let u see
its more than whatn u think im doing
so what if today i am a Regional manager or Regional Sales Director
when the people dearest to me are still stuck in the rat race or working their life away
i want u to see something else
work smart
earn even better
and have better health and more time
even if in the end
u end up with someone else
im ok
just that i wont be much happier than before
but if u find ur bliss
go ahead
really :)

i am still puzzled..how can someone with breasts wear something that can reduce them?
i only heard of from nothing-to-something
but never something to nothing?
haha..joke of the day..even u were shocked..

u lacking nutrition now is it.. or u are just bothered by things u shouldnt care..?
be more confident of what u already have
u are not what u always say u are..
far better..
u have always been
take care.. i will be outfield for exercise for 3 days..

its a date 300 next saturday..ok?

looking very forward....to 21st March..

-stomach pain again-

2007-03-08T20:57:00.000+08:00

urgh
sudden change of plans
thought stay in
but
nvm
go home recharge ...
(now..whats wrong with my stomach when everyone ate the same food)

can i help but notice this pair of lower secondary students from different secondary schools
at JE platform? -hugging-
no i dont think its anyones fault that i miss being in love
Stupidly

U are hot
as usual
so it doesnt really matter where am i
or what i am doing
my mind drifts
temperatures a rising

a bit duh..
got complimented of my SIZE
by a fellow guy

what struck me this week
U said:
everything to you is about money now isnt it
i didnt know how to answer it
i only know what i want to achieve for all of Us
for now..can be measured that way..before i go elsewhere..
so..im sad u said it that way..

-am i mental?-

2007-03-04T09:57:00.001+08:00

i got these voices in my head
who would understand
a moment of silence
will start a conversation
in my head
with no relevant topic or catalyst nor response

im nuts
in need help
i dont know how can my attitude change so much
i know its never acceptable for myself
to fight for money
but
i dont want to be stuck in this shit
liberate
when will my troubles end
i have the opportunity
people around me dont seem to want it as bad as i want them to have
老板的心态
i think..getting blurred

maybe i dont deserve it yet
actions doesnt match commitment yet..
i dont know
i need help

whats going on with the world
9 year old mum
12 year old sex partner
when i was that age
wasnt it about exams
hopscotch
cartoons
running about
snacks
but not procreating...right?
so isnt it ironic
everyone is having sex
except me
haha.
like i really care
but it just tingles me
people of the future?

thats why
i told U before
i feared for oUr future
everyday living
housing
oUr future kids in this society
when i didnt have plans
during then
i was lost wihtout a direction
i had wanted U to find someone else
who is capable of taking care of U
because i looked at my own family
in shambles
but even at that moment i know i was wrong
i didnt want it
i should never have that thought
i am guilty
of thinking too much
outrageous
and letting U doubt my sincerity

now

im ready
to face whatever crap may happen
precautions
whatsoever
its just this
incomplete part of me
through this beginning of the journey
i have no fear
because take it or leave it
im in it
for good
alone
or otherwise
and i hope i know
that the people i want to help around me
can finally understand me
so i can be granted the wish
of carrying a smile on my face
when i enter my coffin
and return to Earth

-incapacitated-

2007-02-28T22:38:00.000+08:00

stupid splitting stomach cramps
making me sound like a girl having her period

things i should have said
should have insisted

as for U
i dont know why
maybe because it only sounds that way to U
but i never blame U
willingly
nor do i want to pick a quarrel
take care during ur attachment
maybe next week..

as February draws to a close
my income.. sucks.. this month.. not gonna let it continue

-shoot..-

2007-02-28T02:08:00.001+08:00

was supposed to say something..
but..shucks i forgot..
why am i always stumped at the crucial moments

ah..recalled..

why is it that when we kiss
and you ask me to look U in the eyes
and not to close them at all
U were the one who couldnt resist
and giggled
and shyness overcome u
that U pull away
and laughed
couldnt look me in the eye?
no..no offence.. but just..recalled
and wondered..what went through ur head..

good night..im rolling in pain.. stupid stomach..

-the week-

2007-02-25T14:44:00.000+08:00

whirlwind of visitings
ended with the last day on thurs
went Cine Kbox with Sandy meiz
and finally passed her her gifts..haha

haven relaxed like this for sometime
uninhibited playing in the Kbox room
singing and being free
no embarrassments
isnt that how life is supposed to be?

supposed to go lao da house ..
brought her to Delifrance CCK for dinner..
well meiz now you can say you eat there before already..haha
and drag me to arcade play ball! ahah
cramp leh..shooting and shooting..

its really very haunting
to see the people around me living within their means
and being controlled by the situation
when i got something i can really help them
if only they hear me out
and i dont want them to lose this opportunity..

living the high life with cindy Jiez
found out that there is actually so much one can do if we know the places
and money is out of the equation
not very expensive
but the experience and just to chill out and talk about everything
all i ask for

(",)

City Space Rocks... haha
next time..who will go with me..

and i waited for the call for st james
and i kinda realised
by the time the clock went to 11
that i should head home
and not hope anymore

at least U are well now
after seeing doctor.
take care.
here comes March

-did i mention-

2007-02-18T02:07:00.000+08:00

the dream of us
the one in "my old house"
the one with U and me
on the bed
i dont know before
i dont know after
all i know is
...

it was hot
we were irresistable

and what does it bode for us
or is it just a Freudian slip of mind
the venue is impossible anyway
but yet it was very visual i could feel you sweat

the night i stayed out with ting outside ESTE
felt so useless
felt so beaten
that its always the people you care
fall into a vicious cycle
and KNOWINGLY not wanting to get out of it
its a stupid scenario
and a stupid choice
its not just plain lazy
its just...too easy to not think about it?

as for U
i dont blame U
cause i can understand
do i can i?
that i dont mind
and its a promise
which u may not remember
or not want me to fulfil
but i take it as my word
and i prithee the day cometh

am i growing skeptical of everything
'cause there's this "dont be greedy" and must be someone generous spirirt
around CNY
but why is it
people all buying 4D and praying numbers drop from nowhere
shaking hands and exchanging words of well wishes
only when the draw comes out a few people will win the money...

or do you imagine someone buys 4D Toto etc and says :i wish my friend wins and not me..

blah blah..the hypocritical scenario

i fear too k
i fear im chasing something wrong
despite every reason for doing so being so damn correct

-i kinda realised that....-

2007-02-17T14:46:00.000+08:00

SUBWAY makes for a good 'singles' meal;
when you are alone, eating there is very much the solution

i've tasted you
and im hungry again

i hope i won't turn out cold and steely
once twice too often after i hit these walls

2007-02-11T11:06:00.000+08:00

smattering of collection from other cameras.. :)

-6/7 feb-

2007-02-07T00:03:00.000+08:00

the aftermath
the return

ya so what if i hit manager..
plenty more to be done

rested and charged
ready to sprint again
this time its no marathon
glory..beckons

just hope that
when i am home
really
i feel peace
not facing animal trainers
threats
or uncompromising situations
i have my right to my own time
i haven had it for 7 days
let me be
can?

urgh

t when i have to control something

2007-02-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

stopping by Hongkong airport for some Ben and Jerry's ! then its off to the flight back home.. aww.. Hazel 女儿seat next to me.. look at the clouds..and dont dare to drink Chivas on the rocks.. >_<

2007-02-06T23:49:00.000+08:00

日月潭-breathtaking natural beauty and clear skies and water.. prayers at the temple there and felt the nice sunshine.. and bought a few small gifts..

2007-02-06T23:25:00.000+08:00

greatest tripartite team in the world!
(unashamed)

tadah.. posing in front of the fengshui parlour..
shall not mention how much i spent there..

but i like it..i still wear it ;)

2007-02-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

acting silly with kelwin at 埔里

alcohol and wine making area.. nice cool weather and alcohol delicacies..

2007-02-06T23:15:00.000+08:00

after the dinner.. everyone still very high.. lol..went to catch toys and play ball..

hazel 女儿 looks on.. ;) i caught two little bears for my 女儿s hazel and fiona too ok.. myself and minz too

2007-02-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

at the gala dinner over 900+ people from all the Sunshine countries attended for the new Taipei project launch as well as the finishing of Taichung GPs..

2007-02-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

can see the variety? talk about the flavours.. :)

-con't-

2007-02-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

well the first night.. steamboat.. 马拉火锅。。

-first try without picasa..-

2007-01-29T23:14:00.000+08:00

from my recent taichung trip
welcome to EGA's Empire Communications!

-haiz-

2007-01-29T23:09:00.000+08:00

explain more next time
wont be back till the 6th feb

-i realised..yet again-

2007-01-28T11:11:00.000+08:00

just back from guard duty.. gotta be a long week till 6 feb when i can get out again

went dinner and shopping and drinking with Jiez..
i got the earrings..
lament lament lament..

i guess its perfectly ok to be a weekend lover
as long as there is no lasting commitment involved?
so long i can be an anchor for someone's hunger
its not wrong to be a service like that..am i right?
i mean
if a girl is out looking for love
its not wrong to satisfy a pang in her
if she doesnt get her desired outcome at the end of the week
of course
it would help
perhaps
if there was just a little tinge of love
in the clandestine (perhaps not?) relationship
that gives it a kick..

heck
i really dont mind
its not selfish

-research shows...-

2007-01-28T10:30:00.000+08:00

that women find men who are desired by other females more attractive

aka attached men tend to get more looks from other females

(so NOW i know why U fell for THEM..not? because everyone just keeps sayin he is good he is good perfect better blahblah..)

and we also now know why there is are divorces .. cause women tend to look at married men..and that men are not steady enough

[VOMITS...]

-backkkk-

2007-01-22T22:10:00.000+08:00

time to settle down
and reflect
and once again pick up my guns
and leave the trail blazing

one can only regret the things they didnt do good enough
im not gonna let my disappointments pull me down for the future

Lovehappens

sorry my 女儿s, 爸爸 was very moody on the way back
because i couldnt stand the thought
of going back
leaving the fun
and facing the fact
that i didnt have the freedom to spend like i want to
it SUCKS

the next time
it wont happen
i want to fly
uninhibited
and no need to face the idiocy
of restrictions

i dont want to need gifts
and i want all you to be around
cause you (all) are all that matters now

Von min mummy xiaomei lingz kj ts jh emma (and perhaps very soon 三岁女儿and姐姐 danny sen min kelwin chia wei?)

Boom time

pics coming soon. watch this space

-day 1 and a half in Taichung-

2007-01-19T13:28:00.000+08:00

hi world
IM IN TAICHUNG!

left home. sillyappointment. Este bar.. thx to min laaaa go to Eunos then turn back. check in Bencoolen Hotel 81. drink sing..nua.. and arrived at airport for breakfast at BK.

DFS SHOPS ROX..shall go there when i return to get my Smirnoff and Elize

horrible ear popping in the flight. substantial food and not much of a drink.

touchdown at hongkong for a transit flight, the agony of going through extra ear-popping
tried to send sms to people back home. singtel format changed. no time. urgh

arrival at taichung 345pm..yawnz.. take the long bus ride and started to feel like Genting's coolness..until it turned bitter cold. stopover to get a warm drink and tried to catch a Piglet. its so cheap here! but couldnt get it to a position i want. hmm rush rush.

check in at Zhong Xin hotel. next to the girls. wah like bodyguard to them..but in the end change for them to be together. moved to 5th floor. park our stuff showered and went for the night life! Hotpot and ice cream. warming up to the rest of the people.. i can be natural le >_<

responsibility got the better of me at the night market. walked around alone and thought of the silly "alone moments" again. ahh a sick boy.. catching my eyes on all the things i have to buy.catch catch toys.try try stuff. get disappointed get disillusioned. same old me. and the stupid niggling thoughts of what happened before i flew.

bits and pieces gotten, nail-biting cold as well. well because i went around looking for people rather than the things i had on mind. cant wait to go back to hotel at 1 time..when i wanted to go check out the nightlife originally.

(ooh and i saw a first porn shop in my life. at the end of a dvd/vcd shop...seemingly innocent..a facade... hmm)

so far.. a shirt and coat. yet to find shoes and gifts. and ring. blahblah

(the girls want me to mention them so i shall mention.
'20 year old with 3 year old mentality' hello!
and
'milk in mandarin is Gu-ni' girl hello! duuuhhh)

-calm(ed)-

2007-01-14T01:21:00.000+08:00

picture
a single droplet of water can cause ripples in a still lake
carrying it far and wide
a decision strong enough
leaves repercussions

at the same time
we are but a cup
solid
touchable
but a cup filled with water
much like our feelings
feels heavier
yet turn it over our hands
and try to grasp them
chances are
they will fall through
no?
what we can attain
are only the solid stuff
so how can feelings overcome our pursuits
that are within reach?

aims:
BAM/BEM-
sneakers at ALDO- $149
Fibo steel ring at mio- $155
finish my licence in one go- April/May
Laptop- <$1900
CPU overhaul- <$1500 budget
Canon 400D- $1699
Toyota RAV 4-

isnt it high time i have something to show?
things shouldnt have to wait so long
i deserve it.

bItE BtE..
anyone wants anything from Taichung?
may not be able to blog until i come back next week..

ayumi hamasaki= Momentum

2007-01-06T23:25:00.000+08:00

to do what i want, to whom it may not concern

-winds of change-

2007-01-06T23:10:00.000+08:00

got my net back
at my new house
notice:its not MY home. just anew residence

one week of non-blogging
countdown till now

resolutions
promises
wishes
one granted
to see you
well not exactly
but i found you by the beach
ferry you in front of me on the bicycle
if only its my girlfriend huh?
didnt stay for breakfast
but a movie..you asked
i smiled.inside

yup you are right
you completed my promise
the first person i saw at daybreak
:)

but i also got to know
im not cut out for this
for i can never ask for something that isnt mine
cause i care and concern
for those who have concerns for others
lick me
cause im sour

snow spray and water bombs
noisy sparklers and resolutions
will i be making the speech the next time around>
im so close as of now
i dont want to sense a trip
oh how i want to soar

who is there to catch me
support my jump
and not have a single tinge of odubt or holding back?
cause thats what i need
too many people's doubts corrode the mind
and the "dearest" of them too

living dead
4 months
tide it over
breathe anew

oh forgive me. i was bitter.
5th of jan.
i cant bear to look
for people
fall into the hole they dug
i dont want it to tear you apart again
but
is it sour grapes
or am i just uncannily right
everytime i feel this

but nobody listens the first time round
do they?

2006-12-28T00:26:00.000+08:00

it can be said
男的不坏，女的不爱
i dont give a shit anymore
take what you like
heck what you dont
when i wake up from this stupor
i owe no one shit
i will be what i want to be

let it destroy me
or help me soar
i dont care anymore

'cause caring takes the blood out of me
and im dry
with no replenishment
from what i gave

-who's gonna catch me when i fall-

2006-12-27T13:49:00.000+08:00

where is my safety net
who will be there to catch me when i fall
who can be there to hold me in case i slip

i haven't cried like i did on Xmas night for 3 years already..
Xmas still treats me bad
Santa keeps taking from me

is that why i cant fall?

"why is it that what ever i do there are two perspectives, but people always read the wrong one and pick on the negatives?"

"ya lor"-> U replied. spontaneously

so u mean u know too
so u mean u felt it before too
so u mean..u could have been wrong about what i did or didnt do
right?

"no ah"-> u answered

so what if u admitted.
u seem happy now
i dont know how real is it
thats the way with M the last time
and yet u still cared whether he has a new girl
whats wrong with u
shouldnt u care more about the people that mattered

can i just hit my target for 2006. please.
one last shot.

-bloody mary xmas-

2006-12-26T00:53:00.000+08:00

should have been happy
should have been glad
the eve was
but no today wasnt

irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable
irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable
irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable

irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable

irritable irritable irritatingirritable irritable

irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable

irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable
irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable
irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable

irritable irritable irritable irritable irritable

why am i combusting

why cant anyone understand me

why cant anyone appreciate what i am doing for their sakes?

what am i working hard for

but why am i always being blamed

i know money cant help everything

but isnt it an immediate need

and im doing my best to help so many others

whom have never felt like i been before?

can anyone understand?

NOBODY DOES

money cant buy friends

cant buy love

cant buy care

but who wants to be with someone who is always in need of money but cant afford everything

THINK!

enjoy yourselves

be it overseas trips

chalets

overnights

parties

camps

baking cookies cakes what not

hugging

kissing

presents

dinners

get together under the tree

plain do nothing

bloody merry xmas to you all..

i just want to smile..and see others smile. but all i get is another teary Xmas..

-kissing when not kissing-

2006-12-24T15:13:00.000+08:00

TAKA- pak
Lots of shoppers - pak
Couples- pak
Laughter (loads)- pak
Photos- pak
Inability- pak
Regret...loads-pak

summing up the photo log i posted.
even i couldnt buy something for myself..

i want the toy..

kissing without the kiss

problem with the month is - Cash poor, asset rich
sorry to all.. but merry xmas..
though no gifts from me this year..
urgh..
a broken chain

see what happens tonight..
may not be back
may not be happy
smilez

missing
and
missing..
(blank)

2006-12-24T01:50:00.000+08:00

...Piglet looks longingly at...(or is it the other way round..) i just miss..u

2006-12-24T01:46:00.000+08:00

Lingz and Xiaomei's creation..making Stitch a cool rocker..(among babes? lol)

2006-12-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

Elmo tries to run away...

2006-12-24T01:44:00.000+08:00

....confronts Elmo

2006-12-17T02:16:00.000+08:00

this Xmas
perhaps
i want to get something for myself
if not
i guess
i not getting anything for anyone..
catch my drift?

-missed week-

2006-12-17T02:05:00.000+08:00

WAH
i missed blogging since Von's birthday outing to MoS?
from all that Whiskey dry,bourbon, vodka and hell lots of dancing
(not to mention smoke and burnt marks..and saving people all over..)

heh

but that is also the reason why
im scared of clubbing
seeing people get a lil out of control?
or just that..
i have a responsibility to protect
i..wouldnt want that to happen to u
though
u
are really really
no longer within my responsibility
i guess

i understand le
clubbing is my escape
that moments in the thumping music
and the sea of bodies
iforget my day
i forget the time
i gorget my name
and i forget what i been through
thats why i look forward to it
until the music ends
23 december.last day of work for 2006
Mambo. St James. and many more..lets go..

16 december
torrid day
wasnt supposed to be
went MacRitchie trekking
treetop trail
still alright
despite the fever 2 days
hungry..
thinking of what to do after that

kayaking.
i didnt want so badly
but i was game
not a wet blanket
how wrong was i
i did no harm
i didnt provoke
they turned mine into the water as i docked and supposed to come out
i lost it
i totally lost it
i already said my hp was with me
i didnt think
i just took apart my 7610
i didnt even remember my Mont Blanc money clip
both are absolutely ruined
i couldnt think
for the rest of the day i was sitting there in the sun
lost
wallet looks like disease-plague piece of carcass
7610 was flickering
fcuk
no sorries
no concerns
"oi no childhood what you doing?"
was even called that!
but no i didnt care about face.
i only want my phone
what if people were looking for me?
i want to call tingting
i had the feeling
i could be wrong
but i want to try..

i was angry beyond words..
sorry Q..badly wasted your time..made you feel lost too..
dinner at Kublai Khan...okay..variety..but the mood..was just..waiting..
found time to call Tingting..
went over PS..
went SPOTLIGHT find her tent decorations..
lace fabrics..

arcade,saw the child back in her..smilez..
walking home..on the bus..waiting..
yawnn..dont thank me..
the pleasure's all mine
cause i was lost anyway..
slept at 5..
hoping you left the thoughts far away
thoughts of the jerk

-when there is really nothing else better
dont just settle for the temporary enjoyment you expect to get
cause most of the time its a facade...-

argh..do the right things
those that really benefit you
please..
and dump the stupid thoughts of what you shouldnt think

-i have come to realise-

2006-12-06T08:39:00.000+08:00

that the things i tend to emphasize on
the people that i am more concerned about
the matters i spend most time on
the events i keep my mind on

gradually slip through my grasp like the sands of time
and the more i have put my effort into it the more painful it is
but who would ever know
what thoughts circulate in my mind

i have forgotten how to cry
(Tingting says its very bad)

living for the process and in the moment Tingting?
not my type
but i guess thats the only solution
to be slightly happier and fulfilled
each day as it comes
i appreciate the talk girl.. enjoy yourself in Genting

2006-12-06T01:17:00.000+08:00

thats the 'rasperry cream' mitten on Tingting's hand..aww this shot doesnt do justice to the cute-ness meter of the scene >_< paddle pop... (do the sound again girl..the thumb and finger rolling sound.. ;p)

-that girl, that girl-

2006-12-06T01:12:00.000+08:00

-should have...offered to send you-

2nd day of leave. finally have some free time to do my own things entirely..
had to stupidly cash in my 1 thousand dollar note to "feed" my bank account cause its empty then pay my hp bill to reconnect it (make it sound like i always delaying payment.. sheesh)
days of being asset rich but not yet cash rich..

marina square. horrors. couldnt find what i wanted to buy! panic...
and stupid m)phosis woman say the display piece is not available for sale at all.. so where they got it from? argh its so nice..though not the Original..

running around Far East. peeking into salons. lol.. found tingting after a big round at 1st floor. and silly..paiseh for what.. not that unglam or what at all..

tingting as usual dressed stylishly. grey and black-ish striped coat/dress. signature black nail polish (heex..) and her little dark crystal and scorpio pendant. oh i cant stop looking at tthe mascara. make-up really is an art..

shopping for her heels. bought a ring. bought what i was looking for. bought slippers. tingting bought a pair of slippers too..and saw 4 pairs she liked..just didnt have size >_<

dinner at VILA'GE.. rosti crepes calamari corona's snapple. too bad we talked more than we ate..ah didnt finish the food..strangely.. tingting doesnt like calamari..pity

at least you are liberated now tingting. very soon go for what you really want and no longer have to suffer in silence. it will all fall into place without you having to fret over all the things going wrong for you. its so sad still.. for someone your age.. to feel like what i am feeling now..plus with all the weight of my commitments these years...

face of a girl
mind of a woman
people like us
forced to mature with the turmoils of time

my bad
the rain kinda messed things up
had to make you hold the file over your head...
kinda cute
but kinda bad.
my bad

eating makes you happy.
"who is happy? who is happy?"
haha
and the 'raspberry cream' mitten
chupa chups
and earring shopping
smiles all around
that should be the way.. right?

should have..let time slow down
should have..asked why did you burn your hand
should not have..let you board the bus alone..

you are like a decent guy
haha
i sure hope i am
there are only so many people who see the real me
theres time to know who i really am
than tell me
am i good or bad
(",) enjoyed yourself?

-lemme tell yoo-

2006-11-25T20:28:00.000+08:00

there was a boy then who was 18
finishing his last paper at a neighbourhood JC
while people file out of the hall he dragged his feet
thinking of what lies ahead after the stupid exam results come out
after all, he was resigned to failing
he went to play soccer at the court, in his uniform
none of the concern he usually reserves for a girl he is pining for
"so what if im late, so what if i stink"
and he left 10 minutes after the supposed meeting time

and still ended up being earlier than her

less than 3 minutes of meeting time
alas..what was she wearing?
not the usual dressing
must be some outing or interview
bye and take care
nothing came out of his mouth
nothing could
even though the brain planned so many things
like lunch
or a movie

fastforward-->>

'i want to concentrate on my studies for now i wont fall for anyone. you jiayou too anything tell me k?'
and the guy respected the decision
down to the very word
working his time away he planned bigger things for the new year
if he worked harder he will earn more from OT
he will have more money for better things
and he will not feel alone if he has the objective to work towards

1 sms received

'i got a new bf ya. dunno will last anot ya. just to let you know'

and he died the day it was read
and re-read
and re-read
he couldnt eat
he bought the char siew rice
but he just stared at it
he started burning
there was no balance
it was just a blank
thoughts racing

'u play well then i let you kiss me k?'
6 strikes in a row
was the time she surprised him at Chevrons training
and the magic disappeared once she left the alley
'power of love man!' his friends echoed
even the coach smiled
and he felt loved

'i never want to lose you. u r my only bf and only husband and only old man'
all the sweet talk
all the moments at the beach
shopping
only time at Palawan alone
after schools
waiting by her campus and being introduced as 'the ex'
kept away from some of the friends
hot moments
cold moments
scary moments
just being there for each other
floated.
no...
flashed
past
even the unhappy times when she didnt meet him as promised
he cherished every moment
he savoured the memory
and he wept in a corner of the warehouse
unseen in the shadows

because he believed he done no wrong
because he believed he did what was best not to pressure her
because he believed he could start planning for their future without worries
'i dont mind if we are poor. dont have to be rich. just enough will do'
but he never stopped believing they could be comfortable
he just believed that he should work hard

when he had to stammer when he didnt know how to talk to girls
when he had to plan what to say before calling her
when he felt so guilty when he couldnt hold a telephone conversation
when he thought it will all be alright cause she saw his heart
when he thought he could have a real reason to live and not just having to escape what he saw at home
when it all falls apart

he wants to know
has she found what she want
really knows what she wants
or is this just all a test
after the completion of his national duty
will it all return to normal
is it just a phase
that he didnt know was planned for him
with the world watching

cause he knows he is good by nature
he has seen all the wrongs he shouldnt become
he has become somebody people can look up to
somebody whom girls agree that he cant even harm anyone
someone whom guys dont even feel threatened to be with
only barring the people who choose to conceal the facts or feel the need to find a flaw
and carrying the responsibility people of his age have never thought of before
plus carrying the torch still flaming strongly
that she will never have another query of his intentions
that all are channeled to helping her to dare
to dream

maybe
even to the extent
when she is happily married and settled
that he will lay the carpet down the aisle
support and advise any dilemma in her life

if only she wants to talk about them
as much as he wants to talk about her

Xmas coming
2years on
the day the sms broke his idealistic future

-yuck-

2006-11-23T22:40:00.000+08:00

who the f_-k are YOU to be in such a fortunate position

and do U really know and see what U really want already

*+H15 sTnk$*

what am I ? or what WAS i ?

-simply put-

2006-11-23T22:31:00.000+08:00

im alone and in the mood to club
Bailey's anyone? or any martini or vodkas to go with..

im still waiting and still having the urge to club.

urgh

-doesnt it feel so nice-

2006-11-19T01:31:00.000+08:00

when you got time to while away..yet look back now...kinda wasted?

but i dont care. i want to just rot. its so simple its addictive. and its been so long since i had it.
sleeping till 9+ crawling out of bed at 10 running through com till 11 shower and dress by 12 photocopy stuff and meet for servicing at Pioneer Mall by 1... and getting so many stares at my Mont Blanc wallet as well as the laptop presentation and what i am talking about.

cause i simply enjoy saying all that i said. and im glad CW saw it too.
im gonna convert him
and turn Max around
but didnt i have a tinge of regret
that i had to say it until he got 'overloaded' ?
but thats my lifestyle
NOT work
and even a break fails to take it out of my system
now is it good or bad

i find that im not arcade material.
i simply not gifted that way. hmph.
thrashed
moan moan grumble mumble

i punished myself.
i havent had meals for 2 days already
cause made no appointments
so just walk around distracting myself
and seeing kids holding hands.
PDAs
hands on hips
hand in hand
hand on head
im still coughing
stupid ulcer on the tongue
stupid throat
i sound like a toad

but i stil thinking do i want to take it my own time

i went into a daze.
i nearly walked into a parked bus.
and was scolded by this stupid auntie/grandmother
"叫那个年轻人帮你。。" to a young mother with a baby in a pram
"哎哟。。年轻人不会帮忙要老人来帮忙。。“ after the mother say no need

F...

nvm. sua. cant be helped i didnt grow eyes on the back of my head so i didnt know who was there. and if ever i will do it purposely and not help please curse and swear and convict me to jail alright?

DONT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ZONK OUT AND NOT GIVE A SHIT TO MY SURROUNDINGS?
and after all i am just not paying attention to whatever was happening around me. i cant stone? uh huh?

wow the day is getting better by the minute! CY not meeting Lingz so i dont have to go .. so much FREE time with no plans! i loooooove being useless...

can? just let me fade away? please..
i just dont want to face it all ..alone....

-needs.wants-

2006-11-17T20:53:00.000+08:00

im so sick of being sick.
i cant even eat the things i want to eat
i cant even sleep or keep still without feeling pain

am i going seriously crazy after all this pushing?

i cant help it. i need someone to be there to support me. and i mean someone
who can i look to? its no longer so simple.
cause its not just anyone.

im breaking... GAWD what can i do?
shattering..
why is it that helping people suddenly seems so hard??
when what i am doing is not wrong?

i dont even know who is reading this. can U empathise with me? please?

i need _ to be there
i dont want to face _ alone..

-speechless= literally. the 2-century post-

2006-11-16T23:44:00.000+08:00

MY 200TH BLOGGER POST! WOOT!

blogging for..a year plus already? man.. 200th post.. flew by..

didnt know yesterday was the Leonid meteor shower..if not could have arranged to go watch..somewhere.. alone..

-crackle. i got no voice. 2 days le. ack. somebody comfort me. i ..so need some attention and TLC. *melts*-

can something happen on Friday 17th Nov? can someone please ask me out? i so need a breather. or clubbing. i treat drinks also. ahhh im going crazy i need to let go some air.. pooot.. not fart la..duh

GP GP.. U know? 2 GPs can earn how much? wa...can buy lappy.. SOON

was so down at bowling today. but was fired up for the last game. until.. the stupid open frame. if not i could have got 244.. URGH

but its so cool when you are fired up and nothing can stop you. i was just running shots down and bam bam bam strikes. but stil my highest was 212.. 6 strikes in a row..

oh well. nearly 12. magic please happen..please

hmm

2006-11-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

"i still love u"
and fell back into my arms
dont know how to tell him
dont know how to face him
let us both do it together
but right now
lets enjoy the hug
lets savour the moment of embrace
and relive the look of ur jealousy

and i woke up. again.
i know it can happen

today is also the day i got my MONT BLANC MONEY CLIP WALLET!
SGD 250 wor...

i can smell it.. so many more things to come. let it all overflow.

oww

2006-11-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

its painful ok
disappointed?
what about what am i going through?

i didnt get my congratulations for the tournament. but i only win 1 out of 3..

im still human
i can make my choices
and i will
i need this life
a new life
but not die getting it
i dont doubt the efforts i see
but please

look at me now
swollen eyes
stuck throat
runny nose
generally a wreck
so what if i can earn more moeny slogging to fulfill my commitments

as of now i only know i am F miserable

and nobody to lean on

-yawn. just. l-o-n-e-l-y-

2006-11-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

微笑再美再甜不是你的都不特别

眼泪再苦再咸有你安慰又是晴天

wadamiblabberingabout

my dreams have meanings

my visions have endings

nobody seems to care

cause i dreamt i saw U

lost

crying

nobody to turn to

why is it i always see u in these dreams

waking me up scared

and sometimes..coming true..in different ways

will u listen if i warned u now

or turn away and dismiss them

and sulk at my words?

cause i still hope u find REAL appiness

not fleeting

passing

feelings

that just happen to have someone pop up

real friends are distancing

be it their partners

or other friends

work

or any other commitment

i long for that touch

that lost feeling

my only friend now

is the silence of the night

the loneliness of the crowd

i hide

by sleeping

by being in a daze

not fitting into the crowd(s)

but still finding time

losing sleep

being there for people

whom may not even feel that i exist

or concerned about what i am going into

or going through

i got to stop yakking

and start doing

yet..

is it because im lazy that

i want to take my time

in certain things?

im sorry

to all those expectations

i just know

despite it being urgent + important

i...

just feeling up and down.

ask me another day...

2006-11-05T12:47:00.000+08:00

看倔强带幸福越走越远

dont want it to happen to u

需：能斩藕断丝连的剑

找：能缝解散的缘的一条线

what if both is about the same event

-gutted-

2006-11-05T12:22:00.000+08:00

can anyone help me

im really losing it

im crushing myself up

what is happening in this life that i chose?

havent i been used to not conforming?

so why is this all feeling so different.

and difficult.

cant believe i am actually begging to want to become NORMAL

even that one nano second of thought

im tired. i really am.

but i know i cannot give up

and it hurts

-confuzed-

2006-11-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

geez
when was the last time i was online and blogging
so distant
life has turned a big round.

but not a full circle

can say i like you
cant say i dont love u

i guess deep inside i still feel its best nothing changes?
yet i feel the need to take care of someone
or is it the need of a hug that tweaks me towards what i REALLY think
for once. i feel. i need a pillar. (or is it again..i forgot)

ironies.
the very people i care
distrust
take for granted
wary
disown
me.

TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS OF 4-5 hours of sleep daily. whoopie. am i human.

i want to win my bowling so bad. so baaaadly.. let the feeling come.

tata for now

2006-11-01T00:01:00.000+08:00

也许我们太过拼命地长大

-high and low. less high more low-

2006-10-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

seeing U fulfilling a little part of ur dream

priceless

thanks to elizabeth for dolling up

thanks to mike to taking the wonderful setup and shots

thanks to vivienne and ben for choosing the right person

thanks to onezine.com for the opportunity

thanks to all for including me in the last shot with U

by far the prettiest shots i have seen.

part and parcel of giving people the wrong impression= at least i never had the wrong mindset. i am safe. i do not go against my conscience. so its up to people to judge. i can only feel trampled if people have to turn around like that. im sorry. that im not sorry.

at least tell me.

ah as for U.. well. at least u admit u was very bad tempered at me before. haha.. and now towards him. well u know what is wrong. so change lor. hee. and dont have to thank me. they chose u because u are good. i was just there to oversee things for u. and be there at ur defining moment. be confident. cause u have shown. and u shone.

and truly. believe. that im here to help u. please i dont want anything else to be thought..

have never truly wished to see people suffer. especially when i have been through alot..

-20oct2006-

2006-10-21T01:54:00.000+08:00

promise

i never will let U go home urself

if i am there

not if i could help it

-i see pieces of myself in U-

still

-boi and ger-

2006-10-10T12:41:00.000+08:00

-boy meets girl-

boy eyes girl

boy likes girl

boy walks with girl

boy talks to girl

boy asks girl

girl nods

boy takes girl's hand

boy smiles

boy hugs girl

boy strokes forehead of girl

girl smiles

boy hugs girl

-lil bit more

boy thinks of kissing girl

boy in casual

girl in uniform

-boy and girl-

notice why i use boy and girl?

cause they really are boy and girl

secondary 1 at most

so whats it gonna be like?

bf/gf at 13 ?

father mother by 17?

grandparents by 35?

puppy puppy love love puppy puppy love

love puppy love love puppy puppy love love

must be getting old.

cause the sight was unnerving

小孩不懂事？

头痛。。好辛苦

- NUA-tivity -

2006-10-07T15:17:00.000+08:00

消极。是会感染的。
why are there so many people who dont seem to see opportunities, and fear the obvious?
choose to wait, and regret. choose not followonly when proven, and blame others?

why am i inflicting pain to myself? this 3 weeks has been so painful. pining for hope.
2 week ulcer, sprained thumb. dry lips, groggy eyes, human problems, brain problems.
lack of motivation.

fug. i dont believe it. i need someone here to push me. a different kind of push.
i am that weak i have to admit finally.
desperate.

nua-tivity to the max. i want to let go. just disappear like what i did before to everyone. but i know that i cant. and i know this process is worth it. but hey.. its hard now ok.. im flesh and blood. i want to run away!

i dont want to let anyone down. much less myself. and Von who always makes me feel..well i still have value that i can give others.

guess have to accept that Princess is..gone?
i promise too i will stop paying girls attention.
last night i already screamed into the haze coverd sky that " i have no more confidence in girls to Cindy Jiez" then Minz saw and heard it. haha. well. truth hurts.

trust. my power. the opportuniy's power. and i will bring you to places you have never imagined. and unparalleled wealth..you have never smelt or thought possible.

before that. i want to nua. just. lie in the pool whole day.. can i ?

-心里的雨倾盆而下-

2006-10-01T11:51:00.000+08:00

我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给了承诺
却被时间扑了空

只是放手会比较好过。。。?

最美的爱情。。。在回忆待续

break.. take a big yawn. hitting my target generating 1K income per week. seeing them earn money as well as myself. oh well.. but still..nobody to go shopping with me. my G2000 and Zara shirt. my Nike wear. shoes.. my new wallet is going to be special reward.. (,") (",)

寒风冷却了我手中的鲜花

taken leave for helping Princess. but no. nothing heard. moved new house. wasnt involved. wasnt invited. wasnt even contacted. yet i live on. pining for the day things fall into place. where i do not have to take other peoples' troubles to cover up my own. depriving me of my smiles.

i like to be involved in the action like yesterday Von! money flying everywhere. e-points and thousands change hands. placing accounts. taking notes. woo.. thx for the ride home too. you cousins are very funny haha. dont forget you havent transfer my 2k to me wor..haha. im gonna be the BAM for your BEM.

and to slap those people with the money i made. and shut them up for good.
i going to take back what the world owed me by the age of 25.

我陪你走到最后
能不能别想太多
我一定走到尽头
你说我若一个人会比较自由...?

will i get to go K tonight... hmm

"get a fling get a fling. booze ciggies ONS romp.
have friggin fun y'know wada mean my style my brand of rules
Jay in da club promiscuous the name of the game.
F*it cuz da rest are having fun yo
changing partners like clothes yawl ?
negative influence gettin to ya head yawl?"

ultimate nua-tivity

-saddened-

2006-09-24T17:36:00.000+08:00

i mean why
is it really so much of a stigma
that those that i didnt even opp
spread news like wild fire
such that i seem like a vacuum
"sucking" people into my scam and earning their money?
when i really see what i can help them
yet be put off by what others said heard or experienced

injusticed.

-hectic. but not losing steam.maybe-

2006-09-24T10:43:00.000+08:00

ah just back from guard duty
eyes still poppy

thinking of princess' rejected calls and unanswered smses.
DLs' lack of response and respect for my coordination
stupid crying in camp during my 2 confined nights
and even bloody stupider thinking of the moment in life:
when it was 26072004 our 3rd anniversary, when i made a card and gifts to surprise U at ur house but we didnt talk much. cuz u had to study for tests/exams. u were in my Fav Pooh pyjamas. and U saw the look on my face when i just stood at the window and gazed downstairs. i know i shouldnt have done it. but i though its a special day i could get some attention. bt i also know u want to study. but i remember the lovely hug from behind and taking my hand. for the moment i thought my life and efforts were worth it.
ok cut. end of thoughts. stuff from 2 years ago..

appt just said he couldnt make it. going to office soon. so much for my 1k per week target. it will come. not this week but next !

-till the day when the people i really care knows that i do, and dont leave me like tehy take it for granted-

im tired. U were at MOS. many people many other palces. i yearn for my break.
and my BIG LUCKY BREAK.

2006-09-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

17sept saturday- yawn.. all because of you la.. ahah.. 4+ am still at Mustafa Centre shopping.. reach home 6am sleep 2 hours..then back to coy.. this is En and me..bought shoes shirt munchies.. and still have two shirts to thiiiinnkkk..

-ho hum. yawn-

2006-09-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

week just started running.
people to guide.
money to be earned.
its not hard at all.
make me proud!

family been kinda messed. i blew it. but i had to do the things i should. tired? part and parcel of this life i take on.
sleep? its all in the mind? hyak hyak.. waiting for the weeks to pass. then OCT free week. and by the time i should be BAM! and help princess..

overun with things to do! i hope my momentum wont stop! now to write some letters..

-6 hours back to normalcy-

2006-09-12T23:03:00.000+08:00

11pm. 5am wake up. back to camp. facing unmotivated people? at least a bugger is gone.

im sorry i have to sound like that to my mum. but i really am very frustrated annd tired.

and i dont know why i said those things to Princess. and what i should have said. but i guess if i dont change that i will never be able to think right. i asked some questions last night...

good night all. tomorrow will be a better day.

hi mummy finally saw you online...and jiayou all!

-evol fo rewop sv ssenilenol fo htgnerts-

2006-09-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

am i feeling it? or just a sense of foreboding.

its like "c'mon do it!" vs "haha here we are again what you gonna do?"

perturbed. am i just not fit to play this game.

"i can say i can always be there
always will cuz i know u ar GD :)
pls pls anything tell me k?!"

thanks for the reassurance from U. but i get no answers.

ah i know Von must be thinking "what the heck?" am i doing. but its just a little something harmless.
touch my heart search my soul.

USD 125 payout. whoopie? can buy my Zara shirt. maybe sunday ba. ask Princess go ask Von go.. G2000 too.

2nd last night of being able to sleep as i please. tomorrow will get the lab report. and wednesday will be back in camp. groan? dont know. kinda miss camp. carry on.

appts + close = BAM.

happy birthday mr Calvin. ya i know push me push me.. just like Lao Da bite me..
so many people looking at me. i dont want to feel those eyes anymore. i want to show it. show them. not let M and KJ look down on me. make TS J and Em proud of me. and many more people.. i dont want to feel the heat of not being up to date enough. ARGH. am i just too weak in mind and sensitive? maybe thats why. i . am . alone .

Minority Report was cool. "You have a choice.." once you see the future.
question is, what will you be the decision you make?

-SUPERSTAR-

2006-09-10T22:04:00.000+08:00

wake up 0700. reach around 1100
the long queues. the humidity. stupid smokers. the laughs along the way. the manual fan.
welcome to Toa Payoh HDB hub where queueing for PROJECT SUPERSTAR is carried out.
lol. and got cut off. became 2904. 4th person to queue for day 2 ! whoopie.. much much more efficient.

went Marina to eat. and saw my Zara shirt again.. cant wait.. and went to company. lol. lao da joking with Princess after i showed her Emcom. everyone is infected by her.. ms cindy weiling-jie even Fav-manager also kena chap in. (oops excuse my english again) but luckily he knew his position and didnt linger. and not only i feel. i didnt say anything. but Princess felt it too Mummy ..that lao da is showing it very obviously. we didnt want to know. but he very much wanted to show. and [oops we smell smoke bbut.. still.. for his good la..]

walking to Esplanade Princess ask alot of questions about us. so very much want her to be part of us you know? but her experience from VE is disruptive. but she saw DCP people having fun. play laugh and 路边的野花不要采. she no longer there already but she neither earned nor spent there. but still had a promotion..hmm 我要走淑女路线: she say haa..

eat at the ben and jerry's i ate with mummy. but this time had sofa seat. half lounge there half sleep. see her play bomberman while we talk about alot of things in life. and hmm..talked about U abit also..yawn. and bombing alot of IQ questions and cold jokes..欠扁啊！ and that became dinner. bish.send home. next day report for audtion 10 am. means wake up 730..groan. haha

“明天陪我去吗？就知道你最steady朋友的了！" -> punch into the arm. lol. she say. also dont know why was going alone even though other friends going different time.

Sunday . on time. 0930 reached. no queue. familair faces from previous day. started to pour in. 2901.2902.2903.2904. register..go waiting room. by 1130 jitters were gone. 25th to sing. and 25th to say NO = OUT. first 25 participants all didnt go through. dang! pitch problems. i heard. nah! your loss! next year! went yoshinoya Cine. eat and talk alot about what to specialise in [sleep? acting cute? bowl? pool? swim? sing? dance? having nothing pro at? maintain beauty? or increase 内涵？] haha now can pressure Princess one book one day. play air hockey. look at rings. [they never have black rings that i like ..grr] take 174. bomberman.. bish.. hand over to parents. pass BB. didnt go down. even though had nothing to do. hows Ur work at BB lobby? as much as i am free.. i didnt feel.. go down to find U? dunno..

a house thats not home
a feeling thats without love
a direction without clear signs

ate my own KFC dinner. felt sick. tired. just... want to breathe my last.. and give up.

SAVE ME. my DRIVE is at a bottleneck.

hit BAM in september? please..

-Sept 4-

2006-09-05T11:33:00.000+08:00

'hangover' since the stay over at changi. slept to 11+ and woke up to eat.
xiao mei called at around 1 to ask me go JP.. jie meis said they want to shop for Rina's brithday gift.
end up i just go JP for 1 bubble tea and walk around. all mahjong's fault haha they left early then goad me to go pick up Princess at her house (ya la ya la i know you all sure spot check. i went k happy? her block is one of the blocks i went to view a flat before thats why i know..)

bish. Princess wore red and white stripes backless. later sure people say we 2 wear 情侣装.. then we talk about eyeliner and nail polish lol thx princess still want to paint my nails for me like a watermelon.. -_-" so much more things to play with once NS finishes. met Von at JE and tadah knew it she commented we wear 情侣装.. then she said to princess "what if i untie all these ribbons at your back?" im SO out of this conversation ..haa

citylink.marina square. Topman. Zara G2000. *blink blink* SUITS SHIRTS TIES! waaaaa i saw two shirts i want to buy! and to finally tailor a coat..SOON! SEPT IS MY MONTH! pay day will come. shop shop shop..
my style my clothes..

then found out joyce knows princess. from VE ooh. steven also..but cant recall. eat..take pictures. Birthday girl and twin Princess. haha. K box pool room. sing until so messy. 2 Chivas Regal and 1 Martell. and alot of honey lemon.. had to control Princess' drinking nearly forgot cause she say she red but no leh. but dont want her to smell later her mum scold her again. haha ben made a late appearance with..KIM! (whoaaaaa all around) lao da also come talk to me about them..and princess.. and targets and his expectations for me. thats why i say sept is my month . 50 lots.. i hope. and definitely manager. RAH! my incentives. (and ask princess share my clothes from Zara.. the Jay-ish shirt hee..)

why i cannot wear my own shirt and sing my own song ah? haha. my name Jay what. hmph
just that dont know why my duet time all will have others join in.. >_<"

-sent.off-

2006-09-03T22:41:00.000+08:00

overnight since saturday
engrossed ourselves with childish games
earned 10 USD
talked about alot of things. free minds
seeing some of them knocking out here and there

explored the terminals (felt like its been decades since i last went, although there is this familiar twinge that i last went..with some..one.. eh.. hmm)

630 am mummy came. everyone felt a rush of emotions already. lingz and minz seem calm. could tell xiao mei was trying to conceal something already. i can tell. and i m ready. waited. "parked" there. Lao pa and gang started to crack stupid "setting bird free jokes". maybe they were trying to lighten the mood? but could tell not all were very impressed. tears started to form. my shoulder starts to get "expensive" due to the attention. i told Von : i think next time i can sell myself. i m the product. shoulder $20 for 2 hours. or hugs for $10 per hour. at least i can be of comfort to somebody. i will make big money at the airport. mummy went in but still turn around and look at our jokes and expression through the glass. and call out to tell xiao mei alot of things. and the cards and messages she had for us. 5 months xiao mei. 5 months mummy. we will be back to welcome you in coats. our people will become able dream chasers by then already. and continue fighting from there again all of us!

-aside, me and minz sat down and notice a couple. the girl is going to fly alone, but they seem to be quarrelling. and he stupid guy seems so blur as to how to handle that when the girl just turn and walk away a bit he will just slowly follow. dont even know how to hold on? or say something? people are going to leave already and you still want to quarrel? dumb.. seeing this minz and i also felt "duh" but just keep looking see whether there is any kiss-and-make up. didnt know where they went after that. haiz. distraction-

xiao mei xiao mei. i knew i shouldnt have let you go take bus alone at clementi. seeing how you control yourself. its not very good. i know its very tough on you from what is happening at home annd mummy leaving today. thats why i didnt want to interrupt you let you sleep on my shoulder throughout the journey and ask whether you want go out anywhere when you dont want to go home first. but after that you went home seems to be happily went to bed when i called you. but you cried on the bus ride right.. haiz. i knew i shouldnt have .. sorry. but let me take over for the moment. mummy knows and can understand. i will standby when you need me k? i been through similar things andi dont want the same extent to happen to you. it will only help if you are open about it to me k. cause you know that you too one day will be ablt to handle it yourself. let this be a transition phase. jiayou. fight on. we will all still be here.

-filer le parfait amour-

-i lvl up u all-

-go go go on-

-of words n voices-

-t0rn apArt-

end of October equals start of November

-long awaaaaayyyyyyy-

-i wont hate-

-rendezvous @ changi-

-very loooong -

-oouuuiiieeee-

Lions Rally @ EXPO 12/13 May

-wee wee wellow wellow-

-020507-

-spotted-

-splurge-

-still..but still...-

-and....yoU-

-happy 21st birthday to me-

-post PSC-

-ah have a confession to make-

-pending...-

-crap week-

-moi muziq and lyriks-

-music and lyrics-

- down-ed - *but dont say i not trying to get back up*

-ending soon-

-leave. it all. here-

always.be.here.with.u

-baackkk..and fired up-

-heard:agreed-

-the whirlwind of 10 march-

-stomach pain again-

-am i mental?-

-incapacitated-

-shoot..-

-the week-

-did i mention-

-i kinda realised that....-

-6/7 feb-

-con't-

-first try without picasa..-

-haiz-

-i realised..yet again-

-research shows...-

-backkkk-

-day 1 and a half in Taichung-

-calm(ed)-

-winds of change-

-who's gonna catch me when i fall-

-bloody mary xmas-

-kissing when not kissing-

-missed week-

-i have come to realise-

-that girl, that girl-

-lemme tell yoo-

-yuck-

-simply put-

-doesnt it feel so nice-

-needs.wants-

-speechless= literally. the 2-century post-

hmm

oww

-yawn. just. l-o-n-e-l-y-

-gutted-

-confuzed-

-high and low. less high more low-

-20oct2006-

-boi and ger-

- NUA-tivity -

-心里的雨倾盆而下-

-saddened-

-hectic. but not losing steam.maybe-

-ho hum. yawn-

-6 hours back to normalcy-

-evol fo rewop sv ssenilenol fo htgnerts-

-SUPERSTAR-

-Sept 4-

-sent.off-

- down-ed - but dont say i not trying to get back up